Now that Jase is almost 13 months old, it’s a little late for me to share a bit about my first year of motherhood, but better late than never – he keeps me busy.
I’ll never forget the moments when it sunk in that we were parents, ready or not. We had left the hospital, been home for about a week, my mom had pampered us with meals, clean laundry, a sparkling bathroom – you name it, she did it. Until one evening it was time for her to get home. After all, my youngest brother is 13 so she is still very much a mom herself. Her things were in the car, and the reality of everything I was about to have on my plate was hitting me hard. I wept. I had heard so many mothers (+ fathers), talk about the love and joy of being a new parent. All true, but no one is honest enough about the struggle. I had been so comfortable and in control of my life as a new wife. Cooking, cleaning, socializing – I loved being organized, hosting friends, and completely in control of my days. We’d go out for drinks + apps at any hour we wanted and frequent the Wendy’s drive thru past midnight. I knew that things would be different with a baby but I never knew how dramatically so.
I loved Jase every single day, but he was an incredibly cranky and demanding infant, which meant I didn’t always like him. I don’t say that to be mean, but because in my first weeks + months as a mom, hearing those words from someone else would have been the breathe of fresh air that I desperately needed. I felt like all the other moms loved their shifts in lifestyle, but I didn’t. Hopefully, someone else who resonates with those feelings will read this + know that it is okay to feel that way! (I would love to chat with any new moms who are in that place. I’ll hold your baby so you can pee + we can ugly cry.) Slowly, I learned to let go of the control, schedule and order that I had valued. I accepted that I couldn’t vacuum every day, wash + dry + fold a load of laundry in the same day, or edit a wedding in a week.
Jase outgrew is cranky phase, started smiling, interacting and after a few months of a roller coaster of emotions, I began to truly experience the joys of motherhood. It was a process. But as he grew up, I grew into motherhood. I can be honest about that because after a year of so many emotions, I am completely in love with my little boy and I don’t care what my house looks like or if my hair is clean (well honestly, I never cared much about that anyway!).
Jase, I couldn’t be more blessed to be your mama. Seeing you as a joyful little boy lights up my life every day. Thanks for turning your hours of crying into hours of smiling + laughing. You’ve helped me learn to be less uptight, prioritize what truly matters, and sleep like a rock. I can’t wait to see where life takes our little family next, because I’m definitely not done learning from you.
PS, I’ve been slacking on blogging, so if there’s something you want to see me post about, leave a comment to inspire me! 🙂
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